CSI Balamory?

Pure genius from Uncyclopedia: CSI: Balamory:

CSI: Balamory! CSI: Balamory!
Here is the First/Second Miss Hoolie to tell us that story but how does is all begin?
Cut in half, shot in the head or whacked in the face with a bottle of gin?
Is today to die at home or get beaten because you're gay?
Drowning in a pool or spying on the kids at the Nursery?

I was pleased^[1] to see they kept the rhyming scheme at the end there.

The episode also addresses important points that the CBeebies series neglects. Who does the MOT on Edie McCredie's bus, if she owns the only garage on the island? Who interviews rape victim on the islands if PC Plum is the only officer? However, I'm not convinced by the Archie back-story; a man wearing a skirt in a pink castle with a posh English accent? He's clearly trying way too hard to appear effeminate. There's something murky going on there.

^[1] No, not really.