Occupy Balamory

Reports have reached me that the small Scottish island town of Balamory has become the latest venue for the global "Occupy" movement's protests. The harbour-side street was blocked for most of Monday by increasingly noisy and violent protests.

Town "inventor" Archie Forbes-Pilkington (35), holding the sign "Public funding for egg carton constructions NOW!" berated the local authority for its tight purse strings. "Surely we should be encouraging entrepreneurship and economic development to stimulate the local economy!" he exclaimed. "The bloody bank is charging 8% on small business loans, and the local authority has cut off all funding for the three quangos I sit on. How's an inventor supposed to eat?"

Ms. "Hooligan" Hoolie (27) of Balamory Nursery had bolstered the protester numbers with her nursery class, several of whom were spray-painting over the windows of local tea shop Pocket+Sweet. "It's outrageous!", she shrieked, "being forced to pay an extra thirty quid a month for my pension! Do they think I'm made of money?"

Their diatribes were interrupted by a stream of PAVA spray from town constable P.C. Plum, struggling to keep order in the street. He was assisted by Evangelina "Josie" Jump (22), pressed into service as a special constable and using her considerable kickboxing skills to force the protestors back from the police station.

Mrs. Edelyn MacReady (42) of Island Tours expressed her concern about the impact of these protests on the local economy. "What these people don't seem to realise is that this town depends on tourism; if people stop coming here because of the trouble, none of us will have jobs." Asked about her previously warm relationship with Hoolie, MacReady snapped "Hoolie can drive her own bloody school bus from now on."

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