Kamala's Cornish roots

It occurred to me today that our friend Kamala Harris must feel a strong connection to Cornwall. After all, she got her political start from Willie Brown's "mound", and the largest mound in Cornwall is Brown Willie - a short distance from Camelford, as it happens.

Commando - the Russian Remake

I spent most of today trying to my US taxes, and mostly failing. Wrestling with the American Inland Revenue Service's forms is like wrestling with a pack of disgruntled alligators, except that the IRS is much more motivated than your average alligator to keep tearing off your limbs, and then patiently wait for them to regrow before tearing them off again.

I'm sorry, I got distracted in a mini-rant. Anyway, as part of my procrastination I discovered (don't ask how) that the Russian film industry had made an 80%+ shot-for-shot remake of everyone's favourite 1980's Arnie film "Commando" as "День Д" (D-Day), starring a chap called Mikhail Porochenkov who's every bit as manly as 1980's Arnie, but has much more comprehensible dialogue. Even though the film is in Russian without subtitles.

And, glory of glories, the movie is available in its entirety on YouTube:

For burning 90 minutes of your tax-preparation time, it's hard to beat. You can even play it at 1.5x or 2x speed, and not miss any significant dialogue or plot points.

Mr. Porochenkov delivers a very good alternate to Arnie's character, and the girl who plays his daughter isn't Alyssa Milano but she gets the job done. The Bennett (Vernon Wells) equivalent is awful, he's just a hulk of barely-speaking muscle rather than Wells' scarily crazy character, but the climactic fight between the two is, honestly, much more homoerotic than the original. It's quite disturbing.

The Cindy (Rae Dawn Chong) equivalent is a bit short on the emoting front, but is acceptably attractive, and within five minutes you're praying for their version of Sully (David Patrick Kelly) to suffer a long and painful death as long as it's a) soon and b) mostly off-screen. I suspect the Russian director's decision to move the shopping mall scene to a poolside location was strictly to increase the fanservice component of the film - for all sides of the audience,but at least they kept in a version of "This is my weak arm":

It's well worth 90 minutes of your time - or 60 minutes, or 45 minutes, depending on playback speed and your desire to hear the dialogue - to compare with and contrast to the original. Oh, those Russians.

Bay Area digital road signs - some new messages

While driving along the freeway today (6 lane divided highway, 65 mph speed limit) there was one of the CalTrans digital information signs mounted on a trailer on the shoulder. These sometimes warn you of local hazards ("SHOULDER CLOSED AHEAD") or maybe more general public information ("SERIOUS DROUGHT HELP SAVE WATER"). This one caused my eyebrows to raise because it said "WATCH OUT FOR PEOPLE IN ALL ROADWAYS". Not the specific "ROAD WORK AHEAD, MEN IN ROAD" but instead an almost completely useless message with no specificity of time or location. And yet, someone had taken the time to add the message and show in on the freeway, so I can only imagine that random people wandering along the freeway is, or has been, a real problem.

This got me thinking about what messages might actually be useful and relevant to Bay Area drivers, based on the past few years of experience driving on their roads. I would suggest:

• MIRRORS: THEY'RE NOT JUST FOR YOUR MAKE-UP
• WHEN YOU REVERSE, THINGS COME AT YOU FROM BEHIND
• INDICATORS: NOT JUST FOR WHEN YOU'RE PARKED IN A FIRE LANE
• YOUR F-350 TRUCK IS NOT AN ELECTRIC VEHICLE, DON'T PARK IN THOSE BAYS
• DRIVER WEIGHING 400LBS DOES NOT MAKE YOUR CAR A HIGH OCCUPANCY VEHICLE
• LOOK FURTHER AHEAD THAN THE CAR IN FRONT ONCE IN A WHILE
• PUT YOUR FUCKING PHONE DOWN, WE'RE NOT KIDDING
• DON'T PARK DIRECTLY ON A CORNER
• LET MERGING TRAFFIC IN AHEAD OF YOU, YOU SELFISH GIT
• INSURANCE: IT'S NOT OPTIONAL
• DON'T DRIVE AND EAT TAKEOUT FOOD FROM YOUR LAP
• THERE'S A TRUCK IN YOUR BLIND SPOT
• CHECK YOUR DAMN TIRE PRESSURE ONCE IN A WHILE

and let's not forget:

• VISITING THE DMV? ABANDON ALL HOPE

How To Not Get Your Ass Kicked by James Damore's lawyer

With apologies to Chris Rock

CEOs of major tech companies often worry that they might be the victims of political conservative persecution, so as a public service the Hemiposterical Blog proudly presents:

How not to get your ass kicked by James Damore's lawyer

Have your firm ever been face-to-face with a James Damore lawsuit and wondered, "Is his lawyer about to kick my ass?" Well, wonder no more. If you follow these easy tips, you'll be fine.

Communicate with care

You've heard people say, "Man, I wouldn't say that shit if I were you." Well, here’s some of that shit:

• Calling people Nazis
• Threatening to punch Nazis
• Blocking contact with co-workers
• Blacklisting co-workers
• Denigrating men
• Calling for people with non-liberal views to be fired

You know, you probably won't get your ass kicked in a lawsuit if you just use common sense.

If you make an intemperate comment about diversity then you might just get off with opprobrium from Breitbart; but if you allow a systematic campaign against white people in general and men in particular in your company then, maybe, you need your ass kicked.

Turn that shit off

Here's a no brainer: if your company's employees are spending half their time making SJW postings, then find the bulletin boards and mail lists generating those prejudicial posts and turn that shit off. Giving free rein to employees to make memes about punching Republican co-workers is just ignorant.

Filter your candidates

You want to hire a new employee? Not so fast, your candidate might be crazy! Before you let the candidate in the company, ask them these questions:

• Do you tweet 20+ times a day on social justice issues?
• Do you write ill-conceived rants on public blogs and forums?
• Do you regard 60%+ of the country as basically Nazis?

If you want to hire a new employee, get a libertarian. They don't care what anyone else does as long as they're left alone.

If you get sued

And in case you do get sued, remind your employees to do this one thing:

Shut the fuck up!

If you follow these simple pointers, you probably won’t get your ass kicked by James Damore's lawyer.

The perils of parenting a pseudo-pocket pig

There are times when I wonder why I still bother to read the Guardian, given what it does to my blood pressure; and then there are articles which make it all worth while. This tale of porcine deception is one of the latter.

I can't possibly do Mr. Jenkins' article justice, you should certainly Read The Whole Thing, but a few things stand out. First, Mr. Jenkins plays to any number of stereotypes as a gentleman who likes other gentlemen: pets as substitute for children (check), strong propensity for public exposure(check), leveraging any excuse to promote his domestic arrangements (check). Second, he should have been a little less trusting of an "old school friend" who wanted to get a petite porker off her hands

We trained her like a puppy and took her to the vet after about a month. He took one look at her cropped tail and said, "I think you have a problem on your hands."

It turns out that a small pig is not the same as a miniature pig. A valuable lesson for Mr. Jenkins, and apparently also life-changing:

If you look a pig closely in the eyes, it’s startling; there's something so inexplicably human. When you’re lying next to her and talking, you know she understands. It was emotional realising she was a commercial pig. The more we discovered about what her life could have been, it seemed crazy to us that we ate animals, so we stopped.

Don't be fooled, Steve: if that pig had the chance, she'd eat you and everyone you love. Ask Brick Top Polford:

How to build the perfect man bun

Note: this is not to be confused with how to build the perfect man buns, which is an entirely separate topic and not one I will be addressing any time soon in this blog.

1. Grow your hair out to at least 10 inches in length. This may take you a while. Any length above this is also fine.
2. Wash your hair. Yes, this really does matter. Any shampoo will do, but do not use conditioner or a shampoo+conditioner combined product - you don't want smooth conditioned hair.
3. Blow dry hair, thoroughly. Comb out so that it is moderately straight. Don't add any styling product.
4. Obtain a pair of hairdressing scissors, either new or well sharpened.
5. Visit any workplace with large rotating machinery.
6. Holding the scissors firmly, carefully lower the end of your hair into the rotating machinery. Once it obtains a grip, frantically shear away at your trapped hair with the scissors until your head is free.

The net effect should be a lifelong aversion to having long hair at all, let alone a man bun.

Moobs for Windows

I loved this. From Orange County, CA Craigslist:

Busy and techy plastic surgery office in Newport Beach is looking for an IT person to service the office per need basis. The doctor specializes in gynecomastia surgery in addition to performing traditional cosmetic procedures. If this is something you are interested in having done, this would be a great way to trade service for service.

[Note that Craigslist expires ads, so this link won't work forever.]

If you're wondering "Huh?", you either need to know the definition of gynecomastia or you've never encountered an IT geek.

I'm now expecting a wave of part-time IT Craiglist ads with optometrists, dieticians, sartorialists, hairdressers and fitness instructors offering to trade professional services for improved IT.

A small localised joke

A Herefordshire farmer was selected for an audit by the Department for Work and Pensions. They sent a representative out to interview him.

"I need a list of your employees, and how much you pay them," demanded the officious civil servant.

"Well," replied the farmer, "there's my farm hand who's been with me for three years. I pay him £200 a week plus free room and board. The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her £150 per week plus free room and board. Then there's the half-wit. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about £10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of Glenfiddich every now and then."

"That's the guy I want to talk to... the half-wit." says the DwP representative.

"That would be me," replied the farmer.

Affirmative action for college - a game of halves

Gary Younge in The Guardian sings the praises of affirmative action for college:

Meanwhile, the two examples that the policy's opponents use most often to restrict access to good higher education for non-white people – for that will be the outcome – actually, in quite different ways, prove the opposite.
The first is Barack Obama. His success, the argument goes, shows that such assistance is unnecessary. [...] However, Obama, like [Condolezza] Rice herself, says he probably was a beneficiary of affirmative action.

OK, affirmative action for college admissions should continue so that we benefit people like Barack Obama. News flash, Gary: Obama is only 50% black. His mother was about as white as they come. So, are you saying that affirmative action which "take[s] into account that our society has been doing something special against the Negro for hundreds of years" should also benefit students who are 50% black, 50% white? What about those who are 25% black, 75% white? Where do you draw the line, Gary? As the races blend, how are you going to determine if someone is "black enough" to benefit? The Fauxcahontas scandal around Elizabeth Warren related to her claim of being 1/32 Cherokee which was viewed as sufficiently "Indian" to give her school some affirmative action credit.

If affirmative action is to redress wrongs against Jim Crow laws, should it be extended to those of Hispanic ancestry? Chinese people have suffered racism, pogroms, mass famines - and their students out-perform white students, and indeed suffer as a result of affirmative action towards other ethnic groups. How, exactly, does this work? Asian-American groups filed an amicus brief in Fisher v Texas, an affirmative action case that went to the Supreme Court, arguing that affirmative action hurt Asian-American students. Is this fair?

The modern day practical purpose of affirmative action is to have an affirmative action program. It's a great non-job factory, creating lots of federal and state jobs, and is relatively simple in application since the judgement of its success is solely based on the changing fractions of ethnicities in students. It does not, however, fix the academic problems of African-American students. If you want to fix these, you have to fix the academic environment in their elementary and high schools. By the time they are applying to university, the damage is done.

Pun of the day

...goes to The Slog, on Iberian debt:

One thing that puzzles me though is, if you’re only one level above junk and then drop two levels during further downgrades, what are you then? Subjunk? Anyway, it’s all getting rather tense down in Iberia. It’s a subjunctive tense haha.