Breaking veganism - the new hotness

Tomorrow I'm going to break my usual diet and have toast (unbuttered) with orange juice and coffee for breakfast, a nutburger with lettuce and pickles for lunch, and pasta with tomato sauce for dinner. This will officially qualify as a vegan diet, and so make me a vegan. I'll keep this up for three more days. The day after, I'm going down the diner and having brunch incorporating every animal on the menu. This will officially qualify me as an ex-vegan and thus eligible for the ex-vegan list:

Please do not post names that fall under the following categories:

• Was never vegan
• Pretended to be vegan
• Was vegan for 3 days then sold out.
• SOMEONE WHO IS STILL VEGAN.

I would have thought that last point somewhat redundant given the "ex-" prerequisite, but hey what do I know?

Why do I care? Well, I would love to be listed on exvegans.com, a site dedicated to the persecution of those who have crossed from the (skinny, pale, underfed, too-much-time-on-their-hands) righteous to the animal-eating murdering blood-dripping-from-mouth unrighteous. Extracting a random entry from their hate list:

Jack Scuncio: Once upon a time Jack completely rejected all forms of animal product and was one with nature, now he has embraced the love of murder in such a wholehearted way that he now rejects the consumption of plants almost entirely. He wears leather (and fur!) whenever he can and consumes copious amounts of burnt carcasses, even partakes in gatherings some know as BBQ, but what I would like to call "Murderocalypses"

I hope that this entry was satire - or, indeed, added by Jack himself, but I fear it may just be in earnest. For something beyond satire, I offer you the ex-vegan take on Natalie Portman:

Vegan from 2009 to 2011. Stopped when she got pregnant, and had some ignorant concerns about the health of her unborn child. Her statement on the subject was very uninformed. Having kids isn't vegan anyway.

I'm not sure where you can start on that.

The twistedness of the contributors is captured perfectly in Why People Hate Vegans. When this site publishes contributions like:

The spirits of the billions murdered have risen to deliver: The Vegan Sellout List – an online directory of those who have regressed from moral consistency to moral depravity.

even the most considerate animal-loving pacifist feels a primeval urge to bludgeon the nearest tasty animal to death and eat it. "When an Irishman drives a pig, he ties a string to the pig's rear leg - the pig reacts by running forwards." Ironically, ex-vegans may be just that pig.